


Fire meet gasoline

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Series: fire meet gasoline verse [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phanfiction, Sad, TW breakup, TW negativity, TW possible major character death, phanfic, tw suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-31 16:10:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3984418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story about love and loss. It’s about when light reaches the darkness and swallows it whole. It’s about touching fire and letting it burn through you; about falling in too far and not finding your way back out. It’s about setting yourself on fire and watching as you burn alive.<br/>Angst, very sad and poetic. Please if you may be easily triggered, DO NOT read!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fire meet gasoline

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: @phangirlingforphan on tumblr (thank you so much, friend ;3) I messed with it after she read it, so blame me for the additional mistakes I probs made
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and I don’t claim any of the events depicted here are in any way, shape or form real or even aspire to be.
> 
> A/N: This story was inspired by the song Fire meets gasoline by Sia (it’s so beautiful, please listen to it) and I really like how it turned out! Hope you love it as much as I do <3
> 
> A/N 2: Originally posted on tumblr

_First comes the spark, the sudden blast of ignition. You’re not quite sure how it happened. It just did. One moment it was all dark and then that brief moment of illumination happened. All you know is you need that brief spark of something every single night. Something to make you feel alive in ways you’ve never known before. It is as though the oxygen you breathe fuels the fire within and makes it grow more and more each waking moment. It - no, not only it, but_ he _\- provides you warmth. You smile when that little ray of light in an otherwise dark room is enough to keep you shining._

* * *

 

“Are you alright?” His gentle deep voice asks through the speakers and I nod, failing to hide the way I nervously swallowed just then. “Are you sure? You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?”

“I do,” I reassure him, picking at the sleeves of my coat, not meeting his eyes through the screen, “I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.”

“Dan…” He sighs, exasperated. I finally look up at him, afraid he’s suddenly grown sick of me.

“I’m sorry!” I interrupt him, insecure. I look for words for a second and continue, “I’m just lonely, you know? It gets real dark in my head when no one’s here. And you know I’ve never really liked the dark.”

“Yeah, I do.” He says, simply, still staring deep into my soul. Analyzing me.

“It’s alright, Phil. I’ll be fine,” I can tell it’s not very convincing, but it’s the best I’ve got.

“It’s okay to be scared, Dan,” he smiles kindly and I can’t take my eyes away from his, “you don’t have to stay in the dark. I’ll be your firefly!” He then proceeded to make a firefly impression (apparently there’s a firefly noise as well, of course!), and I felt a smile spreading through my face and laughter bubbling up in my chest.

“Wow, you’d be a great firefly, Phil!” I declared, only half-joking as he laughed back at me and I felt my chest swell with affection.

He just stared into my eyes then. I’m not sure where this feeling came from, this living thing thumping away at my chest, trying to escape. But suddenly it’s not so dark anymore. My beautiful firefly is keeping me alight as I fall for him and the brightness of his eyes. I wonder if he knows that I would be dull and dark if it weren’t for his spark of life.

* * *

 

_Then comes the slow burn, the fire starting to take you by surprise. It grows a bit every single time you see it, but it is elusive. You won’t reach it, not yet anyway. He’s miles and miles away and provides you with just enough to get by. But his glow is contagious, pure beauty radiating from the blue dancing flames from within. You realize that, even if you wanted to, you wouldn’t be able to escape it now. Not anymore._

* * *

 

“I need to meet you,” I declare one day as soon as Phil picks up the call

“A bit eager there, Daniel?” He jokes, but I see a different spark in his eyes when he says it, as though he’d been just waiting for me all along.

“Phil, it’s been too long! I’m tired of the fucking skype calls! How do I even know if you’re actually real?”

“Maybe I’m just an alien studying you to report back to my people!” He makes an ugly face, crossing his eyes. “WORLD DOMINATION!”

“PHIL, COME ON! Be serious now!” I say in the midst of my own unrestrained laughter at his silliness. “I really  _really_  wanna know if you’re real!”

“And how on Earth do you intend to do that, Dan Howell?“ His voice goes all deep and flirtatious there. I can’t help but blush a bit at the implication. He laughs softly and gives up all the flirty pretenses, "Cute!”

“Phiiiiiilllllll!” I whine again, losing my composure yet again, “I really wanna touch you and and… I just need to see you, okay?”

“Dan, I know,” he says, now with his serious voice, looking straight at me again, “I really want to see you too! But you know your parents won’t let you meet a stranger from the internet right now. We need to wait a little longer, bear,” he sounds quite sad there and I feel awful but I can’t help and be selfish.

“I don’t care! I’ll run away if I have to! I want to meet you, Phil, please!” Even I can sense that the desperation in my voice is not normal. I know he’s going to pick up on that, but I really can’t help it.

“What is it that’s really wrong, Dan? Why do you need to see me so badly right now?” He asks, softly, blue eyes staring into mine again as I almost lose it and confess too much.

But I don’t say anything. I let my eyes melt into his through the distance and he seems to understand. I see realization shining in his eyes before it’s hidden away, a sweet promise of a hopeful future.

“I promise you, we will meet soon,” his voice is sad because he knows. He knows what I’m thinking and he knows that longing for him is what keeps me here,  “hang in there for me, Dan.”

I can’t even fake a smile as I wave goodbye and turn off the call, darkness surrounding me yet again, right here where his light had once been.

* * *

 

_Fire raging, lit up deep inside. The all-consuming flames, hypnotizing you. You lean towards them. The beauty of it, oh the temptation to just reach out, just this once, and touch the undulating shapes of such marvelous color! It still eludes you, just out of reach._

* * *

 

It happens: I finally meet him! The computer screen doesn’t make justice to his beautiful multi-colored eyes: the blues mixing with greens and specks of yellow. It doesn’t make justice to the beauty of his smile either or the warmth of his touch, his arms finally wrapped around me as they should always be. I hug him like it’s my dying wish and yet it’s not enough. I need more as I stare in his eyes and he leads me out of the train station and back to our promised adventure.

I feel warm and content for the first time in my life. I’ve never felt so nervous and yet so whole. He’s here and he’s real! And somehow I have him! He seems so nervous, fidgeting, unsure: a side of him I had never met before. I think it’s cute, as is anything else about him. I get lost in his voice and his endless stare as we chat for hours about nothing in particular. We look up at the stars together, laid down on the grass of the park. Consciously I’m sure the stars should outshine him, but they never do. He’s all I see and I’ve never been so infatuated before.

I need more. No matter how scary it is or how much I’m shaking, I go for it. When our eyes meet at the top of the ferris wheel, I reach out and touch him. My hand finds his face and suddenly we’re kissing. I’m on fire, burning bright, and he reaches out and touches my neck, deepening the kiss. The lava courses through our veins and we can’t breathe, can’t think. When we finally separate I know I’m his, and the darkness that once were can never reach me again.

* * *

 

 _You reach and you fall in his delicate flames, but they don’t burn. They feel like home and warmth and_ belonging _. You give yourself entirely to the beautiful blue fire and it swallows you whole._

* * *

 

Brown meets blue as we collide against each other in his bed. The lust, the fire, the passion: it’s all there and I don’t know how I ever doubted it would happen. It felt so _right._  I kiss him until I can’t anymore and we make out on his bed, listening to our favorite songs. Everything is right in the world because I realize I can call Phil Lester mine now. It’s laughable, really, how something that unlikely happened. But it did and I’ve never been more thankful for being alive than after this realization.

He asks me what is wrong as I break the kiss just to stare into his fiery blue eyes. I shake my head. In that moment I couldn’t even conceive the possibility of anything ever being wrong again. I pull him back on top of me and kiss him again and he just giggles, fixing my fringe with fondness and eagerly kissing me back, long legs entangled with mine.

* * *

 

 _The fire burns with a passion now. It hurts! Its intensity blinds you, taking over. You try to come up for air, but this is not a river after all, and there’s no way to break through. No surface to reach. You give in as it courses through you and it seizes your heart. It burns deep inside._ He just burns and burns _and you don’t know if you want to leave his blaze anymore. He’s one with you now, no matter how the fire’s insatiable lust may leave scars on its wake. He is here and there: in every single thing you used to own, every tiny part of your being. Fire meets gasoline deep inside of you and it burns and burns and burns and never stops._

* * *

 

If anyone had ever told teenage Dan Howell that one day he would love so intensely that it would take his breath away, he would have laughed it off and said you’ve had too much to drink. Yet at one point I found myself wondering how I have ever lived without his touch setting me ablaze.

He’s everywhere all at once. He’s in every picture, every item of furniture on the house we’ve got together. He’s in every single good memory I have. Every chapter of my life, _our lives_. He’s always there, the all-consuming light of his love shining through me. Giving me strength no matter how difficult it may be. Through it all, Phil was undoubtedly the best thing to happen in my life.

His warm embrace, his sweet laughter, his guiding words. He, the one who taught me how to love and live, who even held my hand through it all. I smile at him now, cuddling up to me on the couch. He looks down at me and asks why I’m smiling. I don’t say anything though. Just kiss him passionately and push him down on the cushions as he teases my eagerness.

I can’t keep my hands off of him. We touch all the time, hormones raging wildly through our bodies. We’re attached to each other all the time, constantly touching. I can’t hide how his light reflects into me as I look at him in awe. _How did I ever get so lucky?_  It’s difficult to hide our relationship from everyone else. We figure we don’t owe them anything: they have no right to our privacy. So we keep hiding the love that consumes us more and more.

And God, I’ve never felt more alive than between Phil’s arms, listening to his steady heartbeat under my ear! He jokingly says that one of these days we’ll just burst into flames from the sheer heat of our love.

_Deep down I know he’s right._

* * *

 

 _Unexpectedly all the warmth is gone one day. Now there’s only pain in its wake, as the raging fire grows and you’re quite simply_ not enough _anymore. Maybe he has finally realized you are coldness where he is warmth. You are darkness where he is light. Your heart pumps madly, fueled by the raging fire still burning within and your lungs scream for air. But the smoke is there now and it’s choking you. You cry for him to help you and you reach out your hand, but he doesn’t take it._

* * *

 

It starts with the small things. He doesn’t want to watch a movie tonight. He’s too tired to hang out with me. He’s constantly annoyed at how clingy I am, always demanding sex and attention or something or other. The bickering turns in rolling eyes and annoyed glances across the room. He says nothing, but I suddenly feel so very cold, as the blue of his eyes turns from gentle fire into thin layers of ice.

When I realize what’s happening, I’m on the bathroom floor at 4 a.m. and  _I can’t breathe_. Phil hasn’t come home tonight. I feel bile rising up in my throat at the thought of him hurt, but deep down I know that’s not what happened. Deep down I know he’s drinking the pain away. He’s drinking  _me_  away. And suddenly I’m  _very_  alone again.

It’s worse this time. When he comes home, blindly drunk, - I make a point of ignoring the peculiar smell of a cologne we don’t own and he definitely didn’t put on before leaving - and I help him to our bed, I can’t help but feel that  _this,_ whatever it is now, hurts too much.

I can’t take it. The love we once had, it  _hurts_. It scars and it rips me to shreds. I end up leaving for a walk in the middle of the night, feeling so very cold without the warmth of his love, my only home. I walk until my feet can’t carry me anymore and I freeze to the bone, realizing once and for all that somehow I managed to lose him.

When I get home and lay down on the carpet, hoping the universe will swallow me whole, I cry for hours and hours. I dry myself out and all I ask is for someone to help me.  _God, I need someone to help me, I’m so very alone!_  I cry and cry some more, but he never comes. His warm hand never touches my shoulder. His warm embrace never holds me. He’s not mine to keep and I’m nothing but a shadow now.

* * *

 

_The flames burn and leave scars and you scream yourself hoarse again and again and yet again. You cry for him and you yell and you beg and you cry some more. You’d do anything to make the pain go away, to bring his warmth back, his light, his shield. He’s not there anymore and you scream his name with your last breath as you fall amidst the flames. No one is there to break your descent in the fiery pit._

* * *

 

“Why won’t you fucking tell me what’s going on?!” I yell in anger and misery as he stares at me, frozen into place.

“There’s nothing happening,” he answers, always the level-headed one.

“Oh, so this is normal behavior for you now? Just coming home blindly drunk, not telling me where you’re going?”

“Dan, drop it!”

“No, I will NOT drop this! Fuck you!” I lose my temper again. I throw things to the ground and I see him trying to hide a flinch at my actions. “I need to know what’s happening! I  _demand_ to know it right the fuck now!”

“You lost your mind!” He hisses back.

“MAYBE I DID!” I yell back and feel the tears dropping down my face and I try to hide them, the sign of my weakness, “I don’t bloody care anymore!”

“Is this all because of a few drinks?”

“Is that the game we’re playing right now? Great! Whose cologne is that I smell on you?” I finally say it, the words I’ve been dreading, turning fowl in my mouth. He looks at me, confused for a second.

“What  _exactly_ are you accusing me of right now?”

“You know  _perfectly well_ , Philip! Do you take me for a fool? Who is it, huh?” My voice breaks and the tears fall freely now. He takes a step in my direction and I take a step back, “DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME! Tell me this is not true, Phil. TELL ME!” I keep yelling and I want to punch him, but I won’t. I’d never do that to him.

“You’re mad if you think I’d ever hurt you this way,” he says, and he does sound disappointed by my accusations.

“Then  _why?_ ” I’m crying harder now, drowning on my own tears, feeling my legs getting weaker. I know this is it. I know that’s the end of the road. And it  _hurts_.

“Why what? Dan, please, let’s talk about this for a second,” he pleads and I can see the tears coming up on his eyes as well. I haven’t seen him express real emotion for me in a while. Somewhere it registers, but I’m too damaged now to care.

“ _Why did you hurt me_?” I feel actual pain in my chest and I turn my back on him, running my fingers through my hair. When I turn back he just stares at me, growing cold again. Absolutely emotionless. “When did you stop loving me? Do you have  _any idea_  how much this hurts?”

“You’re mental, Dan,” he answers, simply, “you keep making up all these things in your head. Can’t we please get over this?”

I just look at him and all the hurt clear in my eyes. I know he sees it and he can’t deny it. At first he seems to try to reach out for me, but I’m too far gone. I slide to the floor, more falling than sitting, putting my head on my knees as I hug myself. I hear him take a deep breath and turn around. I listen to his footsteps leaving and the front door opening and slamming back closed. I stop holding back the sobs and cries from the ache deep in my heart.

* * *

 

_And yet you cry, consumed by the smoke, unable to breathe. His absence takes it all away, all your chances to ever make it out alive. And you wonder where it all went wrong. Why are there embers raining down all over you? He’s just left you now, your only source of light, and yet you’re on fire. You laugh at the irony as it burns you down, and you wonder if there will be anything else but ashes remaining when it’s finally done with you._

* * *

 

“You’re right. This isn’t working anymore. I’m sorry it needs to end like this.”

_Numb._

I can’t feel it anymore. My heart throbs with the pain of losing him. I know I should yell again and scream and cry. But I’m dead, don’t you see? Laid bare in front of him, the one I surrendered everything to. I gave him all I had and now I don’t know what it was like to breathe on my own without his life support.

He packs up and leaves. I watch him go. He stops for a moment and I think he’s going to properly say goodbye. He comes closer and kisses me on the forehead. I can’t even cry anymore. I just stare at him. He mumbles a goodbye, picking up his things.

I’m on the floor again before I notice, tears streaming down my face. I can’t quite feel them. I don’t feel the days pass either. My friends call me to try to take me out of the house. I ignore all of them. They’ll never know the size of my loss. They think I’m lonely without my best friend. They tell me I’ll get used to it, I just need to go outside more.

They have no idea of the extent of what the fire took from me. They have no clue of the size of my scars. As I take another sip of alcohol, way more than I should, I realize: my horizon has never looked darker than away from the lights in his eyes.

* * *

 

_If only you could rekindle the fire, but you have no match and no fuel anymore. It’s gone forever. Lost and you’re never getting it back. You lost him and you’re burning alive now, burning on the pain of the actual flames, the ones he won’t protect you from. Not anymore. Unable to breathe, thick black smoke filling your lungs, you let go._

* * *

 

I wake up screaming every night. All the demons I’ve been fighting all my life, the ones Phil’s arms used to keep at bay. They are back and they burn me, scarring every inch of skin tissue. They consume me every day and night as I try to drink them away, medicate them away. They won’t leave.

I can’t breathe most of the time. It’s like a physical feeling. All my friends are worried because I lost weight. I look almost as sick as I feel. If they could see the scars down beneath my skin, what would they even think of me? Would they embrace the darkness like Phil did all those years ago? Would they ever see through all that crap?

 _Useless._  Like I’ve always been. It has never really changed, has it? It didn’t matter at all anymore. It was ending now, I realized. It would all end soon and I’d make sure of that. I had nothing else. No job, since Youtube held too many memories. No friends, as most of them had already given up on me. No life beyond the demons who welcomed me with open arms every single night.

_God, I wish I was stronger! I wish I could do this. I just can’t anymore and I’m sorry!_

I took the pills. So many pills! It was torture, but I had to get myself through, despite the tears. It was the only way out I could see. There was no way I could keep doing this, prolonging this lifeless existence. Numb to the world, only feeling the ache in my heart where happiness used to reside.

I texted him one last time. I knew I shouldn’t. I wondered if he would miss me. If he would blame himself for my absence. I couldn’t blame him, not after all the extra years he gave me, I’d be dead much sooner if it wasn’t for his light finding its way into my dark heart. Deep down I was grateful for what he’d given me.

I felt it all. It hurt even more than I expected. It was hard to breathe as the pills took effect. My stomach hurt and I knew it was nearing the end. I laid down where I was, thinking briefly that the carpet would be my resting place. There was no turning back now. I knew it would all be over soon. What I didn’t know was why I didn’t feel free or accomplished. Just as empty as I’d ever been.

I felt something then, inside my heart. I couldn’t do much anymore, my body was starting to grow cold as I struggled for a breath. I heard a voice whispering sweetly in my ears. I felt arms holding me up and I was confused. I looked up in the deep blue flames I’ve always knew. There was no doubt it was him, just a little too late to reach me. I forced a smile as he touched my face. His eyes asked  _why_  but I didn’t know nor could I ever answer this of all questions. He held my hand and I felt warmth taking me over once again.

As the darkness overcame me one last time, his lulling voice carried me away and his light shone through me once more. The embers of the love there once was carried me home yet again as I bid farewell.

* * *

 

_And amidst the darkness, suddenly a spark of light, this familiar gentle blue light sweeps you up and holds you gently in its arms. He’s there at last, the light to your darkness. And suddenly you can breathe again._

**Author's Note:**

> A/N 1: I’m considering writing a sequel to this one. Would you like that? I’d love to give Phil’s perspective on this (and maybe there’s even more after the ending OooOOOo don’t hold me to that, but it was in some way open ended). TELL ME IF I SHOULD ;) Thank you so much for reading <3 I love feedback, come yell at me about how mean I am or something ahah
> 
> A/N 2: I’m aware that this is a very serious issue. And I’m sorry if I didn’t make it justice. I didn’t make the mental illness clear because I don’t have enough knowledge to accurately name it without taking the chance of being very offensive. I’m a bit paranoid about the possibility of it coming across the wrong way, actually xD. But oh well, it has artistic value, right? *ahem* anyway, I’d like to tell you that I’m not a believer of the whole ‘love curing all diseases’ trope, I’m much more cynical than that. I believe, however, that having someone next to you can ease the pain a little bit. And I feel like his issues were never really gone. That’s one of the reasons I’m considering the sequel, maybe. This note is gonna turn longer than the fic itself. I mean: don’t just sit there waiting for someone who will make it all better, ok? This is not the right way to proceed. If you ever feel suicidal or if you are in a really bad place, look for professional help. Ok, shutting up! Sorry if I romanticized it too much, didn’t mean to though! :(


End file.
